TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of position. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But yes, guaranteed, let's have another position the place American Adult men can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: give Absolutely everyone a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It's that he should stop working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the project, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a aspect getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after locating the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not merely unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting focus from Global traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge in which my PTSD may have transform-down service."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fear the tower could Trump Tower Damascus spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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